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Finding your spec in a partner



Finding your spec in a partner could be challenging a times, especially in a  time like this where people fake  their personalities a lot just to get attention. But the most challenging aspect is having someone you love meet up to that quality you’ve always desired in a partner.

Often times, our spec in a partner seems abstract and unrealistic. We all crave for a perfect partner who’s physically and intellectually endowed in all aspects.

Ask an average man  her ideal woman, you will often hear qualities like tall, pretty, good curves,  homely, God fearing,   submissive, hardworking and so on.  Same is applicable to women, Ask an Average woman her idea man, you will definitely hear qualities near to perfection such as A tall, handsome, responsible, , resourceful and God fearing man.

This is one of the major reason why most  marriages suddenly becomes uninteresting and boring, after few years. Because we are often attracted by unrealistic qualities thus leafing to the wrong decisions.

Is normal to have a specification when choosing your life partner or considering settling down. But the question is,, Are your specifications real? Will they guarantee your happiness or will they leave you in trauma for the rest of your life.

60% of the problems faced in marriage/ relationship usually occurs as a result of  our ” spec”. We want everything in a partner, but unfortunately, we rarely see all we want in an individual and rather than settle for our needs, we still insists on wants thus leading us to the wrong choices which can deter our happiness in the future.

There’s usually this feelings of excitement whenever we find the rightful one for us, the partner that  fulfills  at least 70% of our expectations. But unfortunately, life doesn’t always make all we need available at our beck and call.

The one we presume to have met our criteria may not be interested in us, whereas the interested ones may not possess the qualities we admire. Making the scenario more complicated.

However, always know that finding your spec in a partner involves two thing. Is either you find your desirable, or you go for the available.

The former may seem so nice, but the truth still remains that it is not always obtainable. And so you might end up settling for the later. And so the question now is, how can we make the available also desirable? Let’s look at some tips that will help us in such decisions.

finding your spec in a partner. Making the available look desirable. 

Focus on the need-

Finding your spec in a partner is usually not feasible at all times, so in the bid to get your desire, you need to focus more on what you need in a partner, and not necessarily what you want. So what are the needs in a life partner?  Tolerance , loyalty,  morals, loving hearts and friendship.

These are qualities that sustains a marriage,  when the physical qualities seems to be gradually fading away. The physical qualities are the wants. It attracts people to each other, but what will keep them afterwards is the need.

People who understands this tend to overlook the physical qualities. That is not to say that the physical qualities are not equally vital. But in the case you can’t find both in a partner, you have to draw the scale of preference. 

keeping your specification open

Finding your spec in a  partner usually entails that you keep your options and specification open. One of the major challenges we often face when trying to find our spec in a partner is that we are so obsessed with certain attributes. We often create a stereotypic traits in our minds on how we want our partner to be. We don’t give rooms for other options which might suit us.

A typical example is having having the notion that you must marry a fair girl or a tall guy . Another instance is having the notion that you must marry from a particular tribe. And so when such specification ain’t coming your way, you will unknowing miss the right choice you ought to have embraced because you are so obsessed with a particular attribute.

When you make your options open, you might surprisingly meet someone who has a higher quality than you’ve anticipated.













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Why am i lagging behind?


Lagging behind


Have you ever felt like you are lagging behind in life? You know that feelings that usually surfaces when ever you examine your life and discover that it ain’t going in contrary to your plans and expectations.  especially when you’ve seen your mate, colleagues or friends progressing from one stage of their life to the other. Comparison sets in, as  depression follows suit.

Perhaps, you’ve made plans  and created a very awesome picture of what your supposed future ought to look like.  But unfortunately, fantasies are sometimes far from reality. But then, that is life!!!

Is so common to feel like you are lagging behind, when your dreams are gradually becoming a nightmare.  Your once favorite social media  is gradually becoming annoying each passing day. Each time you log in, You can’t scroll down without seeing the awesome pictures of couples or intending couples flooding all over your time line. You can’t scroll down without bumping into a picture of an old time friend in an exquisite office or company.

Bumping into friends on the road a times always leaves you with the feelings of embarrassment and failure.

You’ve practically stopped going to certain places where you will likely meet old time friends to avoid questions like..what are you doing now? Are you married now?  At a point, You are beginning to contemplate  whether to go off social media for a while so as to avoid loosing focus and going insane.

I truly understand those feelings. Is quite normal especially when you’ve attained a certain age where you feel you ought to have made one accomplishment or the other, yet you still see yourself still on same level you were some decades ago.

Lagging behind in life feels as though there are people you accompanied to this life.  However, while is quite normal to feel that way, is abnormal to let this feeling subdue your happiness and dominate your existence. A lot at the verge of trying to comprehend or navigate things have end up taking their own lives as they wondered what else is there to live for?

Taking one’s life is never the solution. I will give you some tips to help you  overcome at such trying moments.

Lagging behind? What you should do at such moments.

Take a deep breath and pause. 

You can’t really focus when your mind is at much pressure, you can’t think positively in emotionally unstable mind. This is why you must take a deep breath and relax your mind first at turbulent times, so you can pave way for a stable mind in other to think positively.

Don’t shy away from people 

Nobody is an island, our success and wealth are often time a product of other people’s assistance. We can’t isolate ourselves from other people’s assistance if we must succeed in life.

As a business man/ woman, without people coming to patronize you, you won’t make sales. As a Skilled entrepreneur without people requesting for your service, you won’t progress.

As an upcoming celebrity, without fans,  you won’t be recognized. So you see, you can’t erase the relevance of people, that’s why you must let go of your Ego and shame and make yourself open and available.

God would not come down  from above to assist you after you’ve prayed. It is through people that such miracle will  come into existence. This is why you must not shield yourself totally from people in other not to drive your destiny helper away. A times you need to ignore shame and come out from your shelf in other to meet your destiny helper.

Be patient. 

Sometimes, when positive things are yet to show up, when our dream life is yet to become a reality, we assume we are lagging behind. But the fact is that, just like our date of birth,our destiny differs.  Some people are destined to make it earlier than others. It doesn’t actually portrays they are better or that others won’t make it.

But then that is life. And pressure becomes intense, when  friends and colleagues are becoming fortunate to have their successful life emerge  before yours .  The envious feeling is normal, but just wish them well and believe yours is on the way.  Most times, what we need is just patience. Don’t  allow impatience rub you off your positive story before it finally emerges.






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After rejection!!! What next?




After rejection? What next?

And so after rejection, what next? How can you cope with the emotional trauma? How can you accept the irreversible scenario?

How can you embrace the reality right before you? You just want to wake up and realize it was just a night mare. As human, such reality is just hard to accept no matter how strong you are.

Imagine fantasizing on how glamour your wedding day will be like, you’ve created a picture and how perfect your home will definitely look, you’ve even discussed it among your friends.

You’ve bragged about your lovely partner  and how complete they make you feel ever since they came into your life, during your discussions  with them. Everyone is anticipating for that special day you will walk down the isle with your heart throb.

But all of a sudden, your expectation turned into a night mare.

The day which ought to have been the happiest day of your life turned out to be the saddest and regrettable day.

You proposed expecting to  hear a positive response but got disappointed instead. You felt your world has crumbled right before you, the embarrassment and expectations are so hard to ignore.

Your pictures together  are already littered everywhere on social media. Everyone is anticipating for that special day. Now how do you tell them that the once expected union  had become a night mare, due to rejection

The trauma that usually comes after rejection can be so shocking and  may lead to  depression. if not handled carefully.

Proposal rejection does not just affect the men alone, but equally affect women in one way or the other.

When a woman had been led on, to the point of making a whole lot of   commitment, ranging from emotional commitment to physical commitments,  and then becomes disappointed at the end, she will definitely feel the effect or aftermath of rejection.

However, just like every other misfortune or unfortunate occurrence  in life, your reactions to it matters a lot as that will determine your tendency of pulling over or becoming drowned by your emotions at the end of the day.

To some, it affected their lives positively afterwards as they learnt certain things out of it, while to some few others, it posed a negative mindset in their lives as they chose to gave up on love, thereby missing their life partner.

This article is just to remind you that all hope is not lost yet even after rejections, you don’t have to get yourself worked up or wallow in pity forever. You’ve gat to move on. So how do you go about it? How do you get yourself out from this likely prolong misery? Let’s find out.

How to move on after rejection.

Sob, cry and wail.

Surprised right? I know you must have been expecting something like.

Pretend like you are strong, buckle up your feelings, and just move on with your life, but then is most easier said than done. As humans, we can’t totally get rid of emotions, we only learn how to conquer them.

Research has it that, letting out your emotions by whichever means is the surest and most effective way to move on during emotional trauma.  If you lock it up, you are only covering a wound without treating it, and you know what? Why it is concealed, the scars will never go. Is better to have it treated once, with the scars healing gradually, till there’s no more left.  In others words, cry, sob and wail till there’s no more reason to do that. Soon you will get tired of that.

Forgive your self and your Ex- partner.

The emotional trauma that comes after rejection is so severe that some people had vowed never to forgive the one who caused them so much pain. But then, by holding grudges you are equally getting yourself stuck too .

unforgiving heart makes you a slave to your own emotion because it often breeds bitterness and hatred. Set your self free. Quit blaming yourself for loving and trusting them. Set yourself free by forgiving yourself and forgiving them too. Also avoid harboring a revenge thought. Make up your mind to let go. In that case, you will easily erase the past to pave way for the future.

Take a break.

After rejection, there’s always an urge to mingle again. There’s an intense desire to revive those memories you once had with them.

Probably because you missed them or want to proof to them that you are better off with some other persons.

This is not a contest. You don’t contest with emotions. Is either you’ve moved on or you’re still hanging on there trying to revenge which most times doesn’t end well. No matter the urge, try to give relationship a break, this will help you be in charge of your own feelings and emotions at the mean time.  In other to clear your head and get yourself emotionally,  physically and psychologically prepared for the next relationship.

let go of your past-

This is the last stage that will determine your tendency to love again and equally trust again. And what will enable you to let go of the past is when you strictly follow all the above mentioned point. By letting go of the past, you are paving way for a bright future ahead.













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5 reasons why you always feel insecure


5 reasons why you feel insecure in a relationship

Do you always feel insecure in a relationship?  Do you always  have this negative feelings that no matter how  healthy   your relationship is, you still get scared every now and then?

Do you always feel  unappreciated and less valued? Even when there’s no yet reason to feel that way. Do you  often see yourself getting unnecessarily  jealous for no course?  If yes, then You are not alone in this.

We’ve all been there at one point in time, we’ve all experienced this. It seems like a norm but sadly, it is a negative trait which has the tendency of terminating a lovely relationship. It does not matter how long you’ve been together, once insecurity sets in, it will certainly pose an effect in the relationship in one way or the other.

Here’s a typical instance on how we feel insecure in a relationship.

Helen had called several times, but all to no avail. It rings and then goes unanswered. Could it be he’s seeing some other girl, or probably he’s lost interest but doesn’t know to reveal that to me to avoid being confronted. These were the exact thoughts running through her mind as she fling  her phone annoyingly.

She never thought of other scenarios such as maybe he was currently busy and couldn’t take calls at the moment, or probably might be undergoing stress or some other challenges.  Right there on the ground, her phone bleeped, it was a whatsapp message, but she ignored it. Few minutes later, she sent a text  message expressing her bitterness and accusing him of negligence as the reason why he had refused to take her calls. As soon as she forwarded the text message, he  saw  the WhatsApp message, opened it and it and read  thus ” baby please I will call you back in a jiffy, I’m so busy now”.

She read those lines again and again, and regretted being insensitive and impatience. Unfortunately, that costed her relationship, as it wasn’t the first time she was seen nagging and concluding easily as a result of her insecure feelings.

Her partner eventually grew tied of her consistent behavior, even when he needed someone to confide in during challenging moments at work.


Probably, you might be asking How can i feel secure in a relationship?

The first step is to discover the reason behind your insecure feelings. Now do you think henry began to feel insecure out of the blues? Certainly not. There are several reasons behind insecure feelings, and the earlier we discover it and curb, the better for us and the less chances of loosing our relationship.

5 Reasons why people feel insecure in a relationship

Reasons why we feel insecure in a relationship


 the past experience

One of the reasons why people feel insecure in a relationship can be attributed to their past .

some folks had never been lucky when it comes to relationship and matters of the heart. They had been jilted, disrespected, neglected and often time have their love taken for granted.


Such ugly experience often times tend to affect their psychology and perception about love.  Some gave up on love and never believed they could found one again. While the few others who still hope and anticipate for love can’t just help it but feel insecure every now and then. The experiences they encountered in the past ignited so much fear in them. There is always this phobia that their current partner may  begin behave like their ex .  This is why people are being encouraged to avoid  rebound Relationship. by taking their time to move on and get the past off their mind before venturing into a new relationship.

If only one can allow time heal the wounds, the past will naturally and gradually fade off from the memory.

so much Expectations. 

It is natural to have a stereotyped imaginations on the way you expect to be treated by a partner when in a relationship.

But often times, things might not go according to our desire/ plan . hence the reason why we nag and feel insecure every now and then if reverse  turns out to be the case.

The earlier we understand that our partner is just a mere mortal like us capable of disappointing at any time, the better for us. For instance, when we have this  Imaginary  feelings on how we expect our relationship to be and had built fantasies in our brain such as being woken up every morning with breakfast, being checked on daily basis and receiving gifts every now and then or expecting to be treated exactly the way we treat them, we will always feel Insecure and paranoid once reverse becomes the case.

The best is to make our inputs, and then allow nature take its course. Always have this mindset that if it works out fine, and if not. Life still has to go on.


Emotional instability –  while is natural to feel emotional and sensitive a times, there are folks who are more emotional and sensitive than others.  It is inherent in them and thus can’t help  it,but feel insecure at every slightest provocation. Such people gets paranoid easily and panic whenever their call goes unanswered.

They will begin to imagine negative scenarios in their head which might turn out to be a false assumption. They can only learn to control their emotions and put it to check.

Lack of trust

Trust is the bedrock of any relationship. A lot of people feel insecure in their relationship because the lost they once had for their partner is gone, probably because of a negative attitude they may have exhibited in the  course of the relationship.

A handful of others couldn’t find themselves to trust in a relationship probably as a result of their past hurtful feelings. When there’s no trust, the feelings of being cheated on will never cease to exist from your mind even when it might be a false assumptions. Couples should stop giving rooms for suspicion. And in the case of a lost trust, forgiveness should be the best resort especially when there’s a remorseful feelings from the one who have erred. Letting go of the past can actually go a long way too.



Negative influence

This is another vital reason why people feel insecure. If you keep discussing your relationship ordeals to every dick and harry, you maybe advised wrongly, thus leading to comparison and envy. You may be compelled to compare your significant other  with other folks, and then assume they don’t love you since they are not treating you  in a particular way or doing things the way your friends/ colleagues do their’s in their own relationship.








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4 ways to discover if is a break or a break up?



A break or a break up?
Is this a break or a break up?



Is this  actually a  break or a break up? You kept asking yourself rhetorically. You can’t help but reminisce on his last statement.

” let’s take a break”. The statement seemed  polite, it seemed as one which could resolve the issues you’re  both having in your relationship. But then you’re scared. The word “Break” sends a cold shiver down your spine. What if he meant break up? These thoughts couldn’t stop running in your head. The more you try to resist them and become optimistic, the more they kept coming.

Perhaps, you might have been going through a lot in your relationship. A lot of misunderstanding,  and sometimes fights. You’ve broken up and made up on several occasions after discovering that you both have a strong bond which can’t be easily detached.  But yet, it doesn’t stop the crisis going on in your relationship.

Now, After series of mutual conversation, your partner thought it could be a wise decision if you both can give each other a break in other to ascertain what you both actually want from the relationship, and also to discover each other’s weak point and learn how to tolerate one another.  During the conversation, you gave in to the decision, hence it was a mutual consent.

However, on getting home, you   realized how bored life suddenly became without communicating with each other.

Despite your differences, you still had time to talk to each other, you spent lovely time together, but now you,ve began to miss all of that.

The memories of your good time together can’t stop ringing in your head.  You wondered how long the break was gonna last,  you are beginning to loose your grip out of fear and uncertainty.

Before you get paranoid, I want to let you know that Every relationship comes with its trying moment, up’s and down’s and challenges.

No relationship is perfect. But how both couples tends to handle the moment will determine the fate of the relationship at the end. It is not abnormal to ask for a break.  When both parties often involve in  constant arguments  and fights.

Taking a break will enable them understand themselves better, reaffirm the objective of their relationship. Just like the saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes, constant arguments may be as a result of over- familiarity.

However, why it is normal to freak out, it is abnormal to object their decision on taking a break . Don’t let fear and Insecurity overcloud your sense a reasoning.

A lot of people will begin to nag and bug their partners with excessive calls and messages, which is a big turn off.  It is necessary to know that your reaction to his decision will determine if the break will soon be over or linger on. No matter how paranoid you are, take a deep breath and calm your emotions.

The request for a break in a relationship might have actually led to a break up. But there are certain ways to determine if is really a break or a break up. Let’s discuss some of these factors.

Is this a break or a break up?
Is this a break or a break up?


5 ways to discover if is a break or a break up?

1.communication level-  

One of the ways to discover if your relationship is still in a slow pase or may have automatically ended  is to check the level of  communication between you both. Perhaps, you were having regular communication before you decided to slow down or take a break, taking a break entails not having a  constant or an  Excessive communication  but does not imply no communication at all. Your communication level may decline at this point, but that does not imply that you will automatically    ghost   each other.

Check the last time he reached out  to you since you began the slow pace. The duration of your communication matters at this point.

If he hasn’t reached out to you for two consecutive week or probably a month, you may have the need to worry, but don’t freak out. Just call his attention to it to ascertain his mind. If he still desires the relationship, he will be keen to know how you’re doing.

updating you.

One of the ways to ascertain if it is actually a break or a break up is by observing his recent attitude.

You know how he usually updates you whenever there is a new happenings in his life. New job, promotion, challenges and so on. You’re usually the first to hear that. Now imagine, you just heard from his male friend that he’s mum is sick or that he’s moved from his apartment to another apartment, how will you feel ? agitated and disappointed right?

This is one of the obvious signs that the break is actually leading to a break up.  There’s this feeling of negligence that follows this scenario. You will feel that you’ve lost your value in their life, hence no longer worth sharing or updating on the recent happenings in their life.

Making out time to resolve the issue

A Real break in a relationship is synonymous to asking for a space so both of you can concentrate more on understanding yourselves in a more concise  way, working on your individual flaws and addressing the issue that normally pose as a bone of contention in your relationship.

At this point, what only tends to differ between  your relationship now and then is in the expression of your may not be so close romantically, but communication ought not to be lacking.

Not keeping flings. 

One of the best ways to discover if it is really a break or a break up ? is to check their relationship status as soon as  they asked for a break. Have they began to date someone else or start keeping a  fling ?

Are they becoming emotionally attached to another member of the opposite sex? If yes, then that might call for a serious concern and worries.

A period of break is just a cooling off period especially for romantic affairs. And not the time to date other individuals. This is one of the obvious sign that he wants a break up as a lot of people has used that as an excuse to walk away from a relationship.


Similar External source  you can check on: the-difference-between-breakup-and-break?










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Does he love me but afraid of rejection?

Does he love you but afraid of rejection
Does he love you but afraid of rejection


Does he love me? But Afraid  of rejection Or is he  not that into me? Wondering about this sends  a cold shiver in the hearts of many women. Many a times, we find ourselves falling over heels in love or getting attracted to someone.

No matter how we try go curtail the feelings, it seems so difficult.  You ain’t sure if they feel the same way, they give you  Mixed signal  every now and then. And this makes it even more complicated than it was.

You wished you could reveal your feelings to them, but then, the thought of Rejection gives you goose bumps, coupled with the fact that you’re a woman who needs to be chased/ pursued and not the other way round.

You can’t imagine that no matter what. Now you’re stuck with the decision of either  letting your feelings known and be ready to handle the rejection that might come up with it or withholding your feelings and risk loosing him.

There’s usually this awkward feeling that comes up when we fall over heels in love with someone who seems to be giving us a hint or signals indicating they might be interested in us.

For men, the curiosity of knowing if she’s the right one can easily be solved by approaching her to really ascertain her either she says yes!or No! Or probably ask for more time to think about it..

However, for women, it seems complicated, as the society often frowns at women making the first approach with the speculation that it ought to be the other way.

That implies that she has to keep her hopes high and remain optimistic that things will have to fall in place.  But for how long would  she keep on anticipating? That is one of the biggest challenge.

Especially if the waiting is taking longer than expected.  Rhetorical questions like could it be that he’s scared of rejections or probably not into me can’t stop ringing in most women’s brain as they find themselves in this scenario.

After so much pondering, some women may decide to take the bull by the horn by making the first approach. And if they unfortunately get rejected, it may result to  depression. and lost of self esteem.

In other words, before a woman  can be able to deduce if a  man is into her or  afraid of rejection, she ought to watch out for obvious signs or Green lights.

Afraid of rejection
Afraid of rejection

Signs to know if he loves you but  Afraid of rejection.


Constant  communication –  if he’s an introvert or somewhat shy, he might find it difficult to express his feelings.

But you will certainly know if he always wants to keep up communication with you.

One of the signs that a man certainly loves you but is afraid of rejection is being in touch with you every now and then.

People only keep in touch with someone they care about and wish to have in their lives. If he’s always having interest in keeping in touch with you, trying to know about your personal welfare, chances are that he loves you. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to express your feelings to be really certain.

He remembers even the tiniest details.

You will know a man loves you  but afraid of rejection if he remembers every little discussion he had with you.

He keeps memories every now and then. You might have discussed about your challenges, goals and ambitions in life. If he tries to bring it back in a future discussion, chances are that he loves you.

He seeks for a solution.

He wouldn’t stop at remembering  your challenges or goals, but he will assist you in finding solutions to it or working to achieve it.

This is one of the strongest green light every lady should look out for.  It shows he cares a lot about you.

However, you can try giving it a shot by telling him how you feel directly or indirectly. There is a great chance that he will be glad to hear that.

Body language and eye contact.

This is one of the strongest green light any man may show to you, supposing he loves you but afraid of rejection.

He may not necessarily demand for sex or try to initiate it. But be observant about his body movement towards you whenever you are together. Does he make an attempt to kiss or cuddle you? Or maybe demand for it.

Demanding for a kiss may not be feasible if he considers your friendship too early for that.

But does he stare at you at every slightest provocation? If yes!!!  there’s a high chance that he truly loves you. Whenever he does that and you eyes incidentally rocked with each other, and he looks way.  This is an obvious sign.

Other external source/ of rejection.