How can i feel secure in a relationship?

Feeling secure in a relationship is the desire of every individual willing to be in a a healthy relationship.

Security is not an option, it is a necessity of life that cannot be negotiated by any factor including wealth.  No wonder most wealthy and influential people spends a lot to ensure their safety is guaranteed.

Similarly in relationship. Security is a necessity. When you don’t feel secured, unhappiness, doubts and lack of trust becomes inevitable, irrespective of  every other luxury or comfort associated in such relationship.

You won’t really understand the importance of feeling secure in a relationship till you find yourself  getting unnecessarily paranoid and always checking your partner’s call log at every intervals in other to ascertain who they called or chatted last.  Such habit can be quite stressful to the one exhibiting them. It is capable of  eluding  one’s  peace and esteem.

Before proffering solution to certain problems, we first have to find out the origin and cause of such problem. Insecurity  is not inherent, it is not an inborn trait, so why do people feel insecure?

Why people often feel insecure in a relationship.

Anticipatory Anxiety

just like the name implies. It is a worry emerging from self imposed fears and imaginary uncertainty .

People who have anticipatory anxiety sometimes worry for no specific reason. Some could be as a result of the experience they had in the past. Thus allowing it to interfere with their present. Anticipatory Anxiety is usually termed as fear of the “unknown”. It is borne out of assumption rather than Reality.  the victim usually develops phobia even there is no specific reason.

Such anxiety has derailed and caused havoc in lots of relationships/ marriage.  A woman once came seeking for advise on how to fix her marriage.

The bone of contention was her  insecurity. She accused her husband of Infidelity,  and even went as far as  fighting an innocent woman to whom she presumed he has committed the act with. When she later found out that she was just a colleague with no strings attached, A lot had happened. She had unconsciously destroyed the good reputation  of her husband and the trust in her marriage.

That was the result of Anticipatory anxiety and being so quick to take an action without any prior evidence.

Such acts denotes lack of trust. It implies that she never trusted her hubby after several years of marriage. The embarrassment and bad reputation she brought upon him might be irreversible or may take several months or perhaps years to erase. Hence, the reason why he finds it difficult to forgive and forget.

Low esteem

Low esteem can lead to several negative traits including not having a secure feelings in a relationship.

inferiority complex can ignite fear in all ramifications. People with low esteem often assume they ain’t competent enough. They usually develop phobia and get unnecessarily paranoid whenever they see their partner with the opposite sex. They see everyone around their partner as a rival. Such people can be characterized by their  nagging, neediness and desperation. They always seek for attention and reaffirmation of love.

Family history

Family history is another major reason why some people feel insecure in a relationship.

People who are victims of separation by both parents might grow up having the mindset that all male or female specie are a replica of their parents. They will grow to imagine that such experience will reoccur in their own relationship or marriage. Hence the phobia and insecurities.

With such experience, it is apparently hard to convince them that you are different,  except they’ve made the decision to give you a  benefit of doubt and also believe that the relationship will work out.

Having known some of the reasons of insecurity. How then can we feel secure in a relationship or What can we do to stop-feeling-insecure in a relationship?

steps on how to feel secure in a relationship. 

 

Get rid of the past and embrace the future.

We talked about Anticipatory anxiety as one of the major cause of insecure feelings in a relationship. We went further to emphasize that Anticipatory anxiety can emerge as a result of the ugly experience people had in the past. Thus changing their mindset and orientation towards relationship.

They now see their partner as a future threat. Such mindset can be curbed only if we realize that there are billions of human existing in this world. And our ex just constitute one out of that billion.

An experience shouldn’t change your perception about relationship. Stop having negative thoughts.

 

Develop self confidence and esteem

People with self confidence  and high esteem  rarely get paranoid over certain things in life including relationship.

Having self confidence ought to be  a necessity in everyone’s life, as it helps you get hold of yourself at  certain points in life.  Have you ever paused to ask yourself  Why am i too emotional and sensitive?

Perhaps that could be the reason for your insecure feeling if that is the case, then you need self confidence. Hold yourself in high esteem that relationship will be the least of your problem. Get yourself busy with your passionate hobbies. It will help you feel calm and relaxed rather than nag unnecessarily or assume a scenario which does not exist.

Give your relationship time.

It might be too early to draw conclusions, it might be too early to panic.

However your family history was,  Don’t be in a haste to assume that your relationship or marriage might end up like that of your parents. It takes time to build friendship, it takes time to nurture each other, it takes time to understand and tolerate one another.

Your partner is a human. Sometimes, they will step on your toes or do things that will get you furious. Such  annoying behavior will certainly be coming up from time to time. They are inevitable.

However, what will hold your relationship firm at such time is understanding. If you are not patient enough, you might give in to insecure feelings. Which might end your relationship in the long run.