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This has been a question that has kept so many women in a dilemma over the years. The more they ponder on it, the more confused they become.
At the initial stage, he is all over you, professing his undying love for you and showering you with so much affections. You thought you’ve found the one. Your instincts gave you the assurance that your “MR right” is here. He asked for sex. You didn’t think about it twice because to you he deserves it. You felt safe and secured with him and that’s why you didn’t hesitate to give him that access to your body even though you may not have had the experience before.
He finally had his way, and that moment you thought his love towards you would increase. But alas, you were wrong. to your greatest amazement, reverse became the case. He starts to act weird, became distant and cold. Leaving you in a devastated state. At that moment, it then dawned on you that it was all about sex after all. Now the question is, what actually happens at this period? why do men often exhibit such attitude? This kind of scenario is not new to most of us, it happens on daily basis. In other to find an answer to this question. We would talk about the emotional state in both men and women and how it differs. both men and women have a different way of reacting to emotions.
Men are often derived by their urge and does not always express their emotions. While women tends to be so locked up with emotions and often Express it in every aspect of life. For example. When a man is sexually aroused, the sexual organs becomes activated, sending the message to the brain which triggers the male sex hormone and makes it active. That’s why a man can claim to be in love when the sex drive is high, but as soon as he have his way, he becomes uninterested. That’s why a man can comfortably have sex with a commercial sex hawker without attaching emotions to it. But unlike men,,women often attach emotions during love making. This explains why most women finds it difficult to let go of a man who deflowered them or who had countless intimacy with them. Though there are few exceptions to this, a man may have sex with a woman and still be in love with her. So it all boils down to knowing his intention at the initial stage. Is he really coming for love, or intimacy? You need to define your relationship with him from the onset in other to ascertain his intention. If you are not so comfortable in being intimate with him, don’t compromise. Stick to your decision and watch his actions. Only then you can predict his intention towards you.
This is one of the question that has raised serious concerns and has been a source of burden to a lot of women out there.
It is the dream of every woman to have that special man who just doesn’t desire to be in a relationship with her, but also treats her special and does things that sweeps her off her feet.
But unfortunately, that desire is often difficult to come by as Most men do take advantage of women’s emotional weakness and fragile heart. They tend to manipulate the gullible ones, by leading them on, and luring them to commit after which they flee having had their way and accomplished their mission.
With the societal pressures on women in most parts of the country and the general belief and status quo that women ages faster than their male counter, and so have limited time as regards to marriage. It has always been the desire of every woman to have a man who interested in having a committed relationship with him. One that can easily lead to marriage. And so in the bid to achieve this. A lot of them have fallen victims to men who only wants to exploit them sexual without having to commit and at they the end, dumps them. Leaving them shattered and hopeless.
In this write up, we are going to briefly discuss some possible ways to identify “players”. But before we proceed, let’s look at the definition of a player.
” A player in this context implies someone usually a male folk who ain’t interested in having a long term
Relationship. But rather interested in what he/ she stands to benefit. It is synonymous to the word “flirt”.
Ways to identify a player.
Is always about him – players are often self centered. They ain’t interested in their partner’s benefit but only that which benefits them. Ever heard a woman complain that his partner does not include him in his plan? That’s an example of a player. He does not include her partner in the decision. He makes it alone without consulting her nor seeking for her opinion.
2. Tries so hard to impress – first impression they say matters a lot. And so players often take advantage of this word in other to lure their prey. They do this often by devising every possible means to make her succumb like excessive gifts, excessive attention and the rest. They start this at the early stage of the relationship. They don’t do it for love, but rather to impress you. Especially having you do things they desire.
3) pleasure comes first – a lot of women have complained about this..meeting a man for the first and all he’s interested is having sex with them without trying to engage them in any meaningful conversation. Because their goals in the relationship are short-term termed. they don’t see any vital reason as to talk about meaningful things like your goals, ambitions and interest in life.
4.Easily to call quit – they easily call off the relationship if you refuse to give in to their demands. To them, Absence of sex implies absence of relationship
5) cheats a lot – one of the major characteristics of a player is that he flirts with different women. They don’t really care about their partner’s feelings as regards to their behaviours.
Insecurity has caused more good than harm in a lot of relationships/ marriages today. It has contributed to the increasing rate of heartbreak and divorce .the fear of the unknown, the fear of what may not be certain and ” mere speculations and assumption.
Now the question is how do we curb this Negative trait. Let’s look out some factors contributing to this.
1) inferiority complex –individuals with low esteem tends to develop some phobic in most aspect of their lives. they always feel neglected and less appreciated. They have this mindset that they might not be too good for their partner and thus often nag, interrogate, and assume they are being cheated on. This trait makes them become too needy, pushy and emotional stable.
2) Lack of Trust – trust is like a glass ware. Once broken it can no longer be fixed to its initial state. When there had been a previous issue of infidelity. From one or both partners. It ignites an insecure feelings to the affected partner that he/ she may find it difficult to trust the other party. And this leads to constant assumptions over what may not be the fact. Trust is earned and once lost, might lead to insecurity.
3) unresolved issues – misunderstandings are inevitable part of a healthy relationships, however, When they are allowed to linger on for a long period of time and not resolved abruptly. It may lead to insecurity. Because there will always be a recall or reminiscence of the past memories one or both parties are usually scared of the same occurrence resurfacing in subsequent occasions.
In summary, insecurity can be easily gotten rid off. If partners learn to understand and tolerate each other on every aspect. Resolve every issues within themselves without any interference of third party. And also avoid other aforementioned factors which seems to be the leading course of insecurity.
Have you ever been threatened by your lover? Or mandated to do things in contrary to your wish? If your answer is in affirmative, then there is tendency that you are being manipulated emotionally.
Emotional manipulation is an act of exercising authority over someone in the bid to have them under your control and get them do things as you would wish even at the expense of their happiness. Several reason why people undergo emotional manipulation.
1.Lack of esteem – lack of self esteem often leads to indecision. People who lack self esteem often lack the power and ability to make their own choice. They go with whatever they are being presented with despite its negative effect in their life. They find it difficult to say no and stick to it. It is always yes to every thing, they can go to any length just to please their loved ones.
Misconception about love – some folks are so overwhelmed by love. They have a wrong mindset about relationships. They often think that being in a relationship entails doing everything possibly to please their partner. They sacrifice with the wrong motive. Their sense of reasoning suddenly disappears at the “mere” mention of love .
Break up phobia – fear of being lonely has made a lot of people accept any treatment in a relationship regardless of its effect on them . The thought of break up usually sends cold shiver down their spine. So whenever they are being threatened with it. They succumb immediately. To them, nothing else matters aside their loved ones. And that is the best tactics often used by their lover to manipulate them and get them do their wish.
How can you avoid it?
Develop self love. Understand the fact that you are equally important, and need to be treated humanely. Take relationship as an aspect of life and not life itself. Remember, there was a life before you met him/ her, why loose it suddenly in the bid to please another. Make a decision and stick to it..don’t let anyone lure you to the point of compromise.
She kept her phone so close while anticipating for his call. She waited and waited but all to no avail . she then decided to take the bull by the horn. She dialled his number thrice but there was no response. With anger and frustration she threw her phone on the ground.
Some minutes later she picked it up again and wrote a message which read thus.
Dear Stanley, Hope you are OK? Why are you treating me this way? This is the not the first time you promised to call but never did. What have I done wrong? If are no longer interested in this relationship please do well to inform me. Have a nice day.
She sent the message amidst of tears. Hoping to get a reply but her phone never bleeped, let alone rang. Is already three hours past. She checked her phone several times to make sure it wasn't on silent mode. Alas, it wasn't. She flipped it angrily. Causing some cracks on its touch pad. She sobbed till she slept off.
And Hour later, she woke up, saw a message icon, her heart beat skipped. She went through it immediately only to discovered that it was one of the spam messages from networks. She sighed in disappointment and switched off her phone angrily in other not to be expectantany longer.
In other to be sure he got his message, he called to inform her that he will be coming.
Around to see her as soon as he closes from work.
Few hours later, her door bell rang, knowing it was Stanley, she got up reluctantly like one who was threatened at gun point to get up. She opened the door, Stanley tried to hug her but she restricted him. Was about walking out on him. But he held him back.
"Baby" you know I love you so much, I was only busy at the office that was why i couldn't call nor pick up your calls. it won't happen again. I promise. Stanley said assuredly.
Jessica pretended like she was still angry, she wore a sad face. Stanley tried tickling her. Both laughed hysterically while retiring to the room.
Jessica placed her head on Stanley's chest as they cuddled one another. Not quite long, Stanley slept off. His phone rang. Jessica quickly switched it to silent mood and quickly tiptoed out of the room to answer the call. Immediately she heard a female voice, she quit the calls. Before she could got bed. The phone bleeped. It was a message from the same number. Which read thus.
Sir, when will it be ready? Or should I come over to take it. Is he cheating on me? she asked her self rhetorically after reading the message severally without pinpointing any meaning to it. She attempted Woking up Stanley who had already dozed off, but decided to wait patiently till he gets up from bed. The rate of her heartbeat increased, as she couldn't wait. She was so curios and insecure to get an explanation. She tapped at him severally. And he
Quickly woke up shockingly. She showed her the message. Stanley smiled, it was just a message from my….
Side chick right? She interrupted immediately. Flared up and shouted on top of her voice accusing Stanley of cheating on him.
Baby can you just calm down, let me . He replied calmly. Why are being so rude and mean.
There is nothing to explain, "she interrupted again. No wonder you've been acting so busy lately, no wonder you hadn't been checking up on me regularly like you used to.
Stanley tried every possible means to explain to her, but all to no avail . she never gave him the opportunity As she was busy ranting and raining abuses on him.
Stanley attempted slapping her. But withdrew his hands immediately. On remembering he was a principled man who had once vowed never to hit a woman in spite the degree of provocations.
He dressed up and left the house as an easiest way to control himself and curb his present mood.
Jessica couldn't believe he did that. She knew she overacted. But then, he expected that Stanley would understand and keep on apologizing in other to be given chance for an explanation. No doubt, she knew she was being clingy and insecure. Not long after Stanley left, a paper fell off from the bed.
She picked It up and glanced through it. It was a copy of a business proposal written by Stanley's company and was to be sent to another company. At the top of the envelope, Jessica saw a number through which the mail ought to get to the
Recipient. She recognized the last number to be similar the number that previously called Stanley. It then dawned on her that she was only being unnecessarily insecure and possessive. She tried calling Stanley but he never picked.
Fewhours later, he came back to house, Jessica was excited at first, but he never said a word to her. He quickly picked up his forgotten letter and left.
Moral of this story: Are you in a serious relationship? But still behaves like Jessica. Who often keeps a tap on her man's movement every now and then.
Youneed to put a stop to it. I mean quit that unhealthy attitude completely. You know why? It is a big turn off to most men.
Men need space to focus on every other aspect of their life. Unlike women who centres a greater part of their life towards emotions and romance. An average man invests more on his goals. Their ego is measured more on their success and that's why they can never let anything come in between it. Not even their relationships. Don't allow emotional weakness drive him farther away from you. .
And so you met this handsome, and intelligent dude. You admired him secretly but couldn’t approach him as you felt it was the most absurd thing to do for a lady to approach a man. Instead you displayed some green light indicating your interest.
Fortunately, it worked perfectly. He got the message, wooed you. You became excited as that is what you’ve always anticipated for. Not quite long, you both started dating. The first few month was exciting and a replica of what a perfect relationship ought to look like. He called frequently, messaged you on regular basis. Requests to see you. Just the moment you thought you’ve found the one. Just the moment you became head over heels in love. Just the moment you excitedly wants to reciprocate his love. Alas you were wrong after all. As he suddenly started pulling away gradually. giving you the silent treatment. No more calls, no more text messages. He suddenly disappeared into thin air. It has just ended!!! Just like that?you asked yourself rhetorically. . You tapped yourself several times to ensure you weren’t dreaming. You had no other option than to wish and hope he would return from his cave or secret abode. You waited but all to no avail. Reality struck on you when you realized you have been deceived and jilted. You felt like smashing your android phone especially that moment you dialled his number. It rang several time, but he wouldn’t just pick up. There is this intense bitterness. In you, you just feel like punching or stabbing him. You can’t help but destroy everything around you. However, in spite the bitterness. You still had to summon courage and move on. As there was absolutely nothing you could do to avert the situation. We’ve all been there at one point in our life or the other. During the wooing stage, a man becomes interested and would do everything to get your attention. But as soon as he has done that, he begins to withdraw and sees no reason to press further. Does this look like your story. Don’t worry, let’s take care of this. we have to start first by looking out for some facts about men. Psychologically,men are egocentric in nature. They tend to display their ego in every aspects of a life. They see relationship more like a game and always want to be at the top of it.
During the chase, their ego is placed on a contestant level just like a sport game. Hoping and anticipating to beat their opponent. And as soon as you accept their proposal. Their ego emerges victorious as it is assumed it has beaten its opponent. At that point, they becomes authoritative. Hence the bossy feelings. But after sometime, they become use to the position, hence no longer finds it interesting or fascinating as it was previously. The thrill if the game is the chase. Does that get you in a more confused state? I know as you are reading this, you will be wondering why some women were lucky to have a man who never got uninterested at any point in their Relationship. I will tell you why. The answer is very simple and concise. Their Men approached them and discovered that their life was as interesting as the chasing period and so never dared to leave as they didn’t want to miss the juice.. The greatest mistake to make is to think that a man would love you forever just simply because he found you attractive. No!!! There is more to offer than your physique. When a man leaves after the wooing stage, is either he was never in love or he discovered that it wasn’t worth the stress after all. Now we are focusing on the later. Is just like admiring a cream in the market. People have always talked about its glowing nature on the skin. So you decided to give it a trial. After some months of applying it on your skin, but got no different result. You became of tired of it. As you discovered the product was not worth the hype after all. If you don’t want him to pause after the game of chase. Then you need to come up as a tough opponent and rival. Don’t give him that opportunity of defeating you. Upgrade your life, he needs to see your worth and so many reasons why he needed not to disappear. Don’t be desperate and don’t give in so quickly. Avoid being emotionally weak. Develop self confidence. Upgrade your life. Let him not see sex or romance as the only thing you can offer. Give him the reasons not to walk away from your life as he wish. Show him you’ve gat confidence in yourself and not ready to condone any attitude he may put up.
Distance is one of the inevitable challenges couples tend to face in a relationship, which is capable of destroying their long built intimacy if not handled with great caution . The thought of being separated from each other creates a great void and vacuum in the heart. It becomes so difficult especially with someone you have had great memories with, being in each other’s company and shared things in common. It is just like your world revolves around them because they seems to be present anywhere you are. As the saying goes, out of sight is out of mind, but there is an exception to this statement if the right steps are taken. Some factors which can enable couples cope in a distant Relationship.
1) Communication – communication plays a role factor here . Recent Advance in technology has really made things bit easier and less expensive. Communication mustn’t necessarily be only calls, but chatting via social media which tend to be more convenient and less expensive .With consistent/ regular communication, distance relationship can stand the test of time. Good communication helps to strengthen the bond and rekindle the spark that might have been lost as a result of distance.. By communicating with your partner, you are not just desiring to hear their voice but you are also reassuring them of your unending love towards them which can never be separated by distance. It creates security in the relationship.
2)COMMITMENT – out of sight can never be out of mind for partners who has defined their relationship and are really committed to each other. Being secured about the future, distance seems to be a minor issue for them. On the countrary, partners who are not really into each other, either from one or both partners might tend to separate once distance sets in. The purpose of their relationship might be based on satisfying each other’s sexual needs and once that becomes impossible as a result of distance. The relationship might eventually come to an end because there are no strings attached.
3) TRUST – this is another important factor. Just like the foundation of
a house, trust are not just earned but built nurtured and allowed to
grow with time before it becomes Relevant. When you create a room for
doubt while you are still with each other what makes you think they
will trust you when you are apart? .always make your relationship
transparent. Avoid anything that will create a room for suspicion in
your partner’s mind. There is nothing scary in a distant relationship as
having the feeling that your partner might be cheating on you
especially if you don’t trust them to well as result of their past
escapades. It poses fear and brings about insecurity which tend to
destroy the relationship with time. Always give your partner the reason
to trust you in order to avoid unnecessary assumption and being
paranoid that you might be cheating on them. When actually it might
not be the case. If the trust becomes mutual. The relationship and
distance will never be a barrier.
He has been your crush, you admire everything about him.. His charming looks, masculinity, charisma, talents and sense of humor…you’ve always wished and fantasize to have him close to you…at a point, you began to develop this urge and sudden quest within you to approach him by giving him the signal to woo you but you ignore the thought as that may bruise your ego and pride as a “woman”… Making you more vulnerable to hurt and heartbreak especially if the feelings were not mutual and reciprocated. You then decided to keep calm, and allow nature take its full course.
While praying that your wishes comes to pass. Fortunately, your dreams became a reality, when he finally asked you out.you didn’t think twice before accepting his proposal, after all that was what you’ve been patiently waiting for. The relationship started, but you were still not satisfied… Because you don’t just want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one…you were expectant of a blissful future with him as that was your sole aim of desiring him…but unfortunately, it wasn’t moving well as you wanted. as he had never thought of that or included it in your discussions….
You finally summoned courage to ask him where the future was heading to. His responds indicated that there wouldn’t be any future with you… But the truth was so difficult to accept…you became so desperate, always the one pushing the relationship… While he does nothing to compliment your effort… Your desperation turned into neediness..when he could no longer condone your nagging attitude.. He decided to take a walk… Listen young lady… It is he who finds a “wife” and not she who pursues a “man”….. Stop being clingy and acting desperate all because you want him to put a ring on that finger. Stop making it look as though he is doing you a favour by asking you out and desiring to spend the rest of his life with you…
Live your life, upgrade your self, hold your dignity high, achieve your dreams in life and be an independent woman . I tell you, men will see having you beside them as an opportunity and not a “right”. They will respect you and never take you for granted… Stop pressuring them to commit. If they don’t want to commit, your pressures will amount to being a waste of time and energy.
Issues in relationship are inevitable, it often shows up from time to time,but the approach towards handling it would determine the fate of the relationship. A times, misunderstanding in a relationship can help both partners to understand each other more. We might find it difficult to accept, but that is the fact. However,often times,we allow it to linger for so long because both partners had refused to accept the blame and take proper corrections where necessary.
Everybody wants his/her opinion to be heard. EGO and pride has a major role to play here, this qualities are very unhealthy for a serious and and committed relationship with a predictable future. There are so many ways by which issues can be resolved amicably.
1. ACCEPTING ONE'S FAULT
so many folks finds it extremely difficult to accept their fault,let alone apologize for it. Even when it is very obvious that they have defaulted. Two wrongs they say cannot make a right, if you don't want to destroy the intimacy you have both built and nurtured for long you must put away pride and learn to use the simple word,'sorry'. it does not cost a thing.
2. AVOID THIRD PARTY INTERFERENCE
You must avoid discussing your relationship issues with anyone you meet. Different strokes for different folks. The ways others handle their relationship might be totally different from the way you tend to handle yours. And thus their advise might not correlate with what might be beneficial to you. Moreover,some friends might be envious and jealous and thus try every possible means to see your relationship get destroyed. Because their:s are already heading towards that direction. You have to be careful,not all are truly happy for you.
Communication is one of the essential quality of a successful relationship. Do not hide your fears,feelings or whatever that you think that needs to be corrected. Try as much as possible to be transparent to each other. When they offend you,do not bear the grudges in your heart. Let them know,remember that they might not even be aware of it,if you remain mute. always pour out your feelings to each other.
In life, it is the dream of everyman or woman to succeed in his/ her endeavour, or whatever he/ she actively engages in. No one wants to be tagged a "failure" even if is obvious they had already failed. However, is rare to find any successful man/ woman who associates with low minded or pessimistic individuals. Their class of friends are usually people who have similar goals, ambitions and interest as they do.
In other words, the motive ought to be mutual. It has to come from from both sides. For the result to be effective. Likewise in relationships/ marriage. In other to maintain a healthy and lasting relationship, you first have to exhibit the characteristics required to have one, For you to be attracted to that special person who have similar qualities with you.
Just like is impossible to achieve success when you associate with people who are the verge of failure. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship when you associate with people who ain't thinking towards that direction.
Here is an illustration.
Claire had always wanted a serious and very committed relationship, which could lead to marriage soon. Fortunately, she met frank few days later. One thing led to another, both fell in love and proceeded towards being more than friends. Contrary to Claire's desire and wish. Frank only wanted a fling with no strings attached. Claire clearly saw the signs in the course of their relationship. But ignored. hoping
That things would get better . but unfortunately it never did. And before you knew what has happened. They both parted ways because they ain't thinking towards the same direction. What can you deduce from this scenario?
The relationship couldn't work out because their individual motives of being in the relationship weren't similar .
Having understood this, let's look out for two essential ways that would enable one ascertain whether or not his/ her partner have the same interest like they do.
1) endeavour to define your relationship at the initial stage- by defining your relationship, you are clearly stating out what you tend to achieve from it in the long run. This will easily help you know your partner's intention and be sure is compatible with yours.
2) look out for early signs- most times, before break up occurs. There might have been some warning signals, but the victims chose to ignore just as was seen in the case of Claire. Who was hoping that things would get better but all to no avail. Do not ignore some early warning signals. It is just an indication that your partner's intention ain't similar with your. He may just want you fun, while you you sincerely want a serious date. It was emphasized even in the scripture. Can two work together except they be in agreement? The simple answer is a big No!!!!